in one of my routine perusals of pinterest (aka source of infinite wisdom and entertainment), I came across this quote:
“the greatest battle is between what you know and what you feel.”
I stopped scrolling. is that really the greatest battle?
I thought about some of the health stuff I’ve been going through, and how I learned this week that I should probably be cutting out all chocolate, caffeine, dairy, alcohol and refined carbs (basically my five main food groups/ love languages) and how IMMEDIATELY upon learning this I ate two chocolate cookies in protest. if I had been near a glass of wine I probably would’ve dunked the cookies for good measure.
I thought about what my dad has told me ever since I was little- that love is a choice, not a feeling. and how that’s challenged me in so many aspects of my life. how difficult it is to offer love and grace when you feel hurt and angry, how often I fail at that. but also, on the rare occasion when it does transpire, how transformative that can be for everyone involved. a piece of the sacred.
I thought about how I feel like I’ve been floundering since I got back from Cebu, grieving in some sense- identity and purpose. the painful dissonance of knowing who i want to be and feeling so far from it. knowing that seasons pass and we press on but feeling despair creep in at the edges, whispering to just give up.
I thought about the kick in the pants (lovingly) administered by D last week. reminding me I have a choice and I need to take responsibility for my choices and their consequences. shaking me from the victim mentality that ‘life is just happening to me and it’s hard.’ life happens, yes. but we always have a choice in how we deal.
so yes- pinterest, you have a point. it is an epic battle between the head and the heart. but I don’t think either of them deserves to win all the time, and I wouldn’t give up one or the other. so the battle rages on.